Inerrant Rampancy

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SWINE FLU!!!

…now with 100% more bullshit.

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there’s a massive health crisis going on right now in both Mexico and the United States. Apparently, people are getting sick…and dying!

Bullshit.

I know, I know, “Joe, how can you be so heartless? Swine flu is a serious virus that could kill millions of people!”

Do you know what swine flu is? It’s the flu, if you got it from contact with pigs. Sure, it’s a new recombination of influenza A strains (flu-causing viruses often recombine; it’s why there isn’t a cure-all for the flu yet), and it’s definitely not the 24-hour flu (which is actually gastroenteritis, and not influenza), but, like the flu you get vaccinated for each year, it’s also dangerous only to the elderly, the young, and the chronically ill.

Are you old, or young, or chronically ill? No? Then shut up and stop feeding the panic. There are so many other things to worry about right now, and I find it insulting that the media would waste time on this crap. I mean, war, torture, taxes, deficit spending, gay marriage, the Olympic bid; there are so many other issues. Why swine flu? Stop worrying.

Here, to help you, I’ve made a list of all the things swine flu WILL NOT DO. So, please note

SWINE FLU WILL NOT

1. Torture perceived enemies of America. (That’s our military’s job.)
2. Disproportionately tax the poor and middle class by raising the cigarette tax in order to fund SCHIP. (Government’s got that covered.)
3. Invade a foreign country that had nothing to do with a previous attack on America. (George Bush is not in control of swine flu.)
4. Eliminate the right to state-recognized marriage for homosexuals. (You have to go to California for that.)
5. Campaign by railing against the previous administration’s deficit increases and then pass a budget that would double those increases. (Mr. President, would you like to respond?)
6. Cancel shows created by Joss Whedon. (Damn you, FOX. Damn you to hell.)
7. Impregnate your teenage daughter. (Unless she lives in Alaska and we find out that swine flu is actually Bristol Palin’s ex-boyfriend.)
8. Borrow your stuff and never give it back. (I”m looking at you, Kevin. I want my fucking hedge trimmer.)

In contrast, I’d like to point out what swine flu WILL DO.

SWINE FLU WILL

1. Kill you if you are old, or really young, or already sick. (Like nearly everything else.)
2. Freak you the fuck out if you are a moron and know nothing about health or medicine and only watch TV. (Did you hear that Obama’s not even a US citizen? OMFG!)

So, seriously, chill out.

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April 27, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. hey joe!
    i did my archival research project on the flu pandemic of 1918. i felt like i caused the swine flu or something because i spent the last four months writing stories about flu pandemics and reading books about it, like i had thought it into being. i spent so much time thinking about the flu in the last four months that i started seeing the words “influenza” in places where it didn’t exist, like one time when dr. trimbur wrote influence on the board for some reason. it was so weird for me to see it happen in real life.
    the panic/over reaction would actually hurt people more if there was an epidemic because everyone would run to get anti-viral drugs and there wouldn’t be enough for the truly ill.
    i’ll admit it freaked me out at first because everyone who died in mexico was between the ages of 25 and 45, like in 1918, and we have airplanes now and shit can spread fast. but we also have mechanical respirators, antibiotics and antiviral drugs (at least in rich countries, we do). and now the mexico cases are declining and there have been no deaths outside of mexico. so, yay, we’re not all going to die yet.
    thanks for this voice of reason again, i’m glad that you’re right (and i think you are) cause the flu killed 20-50 million people in 1918! see ya, cat

    Comment by Cat Sears | April 29, 2009 | Reply


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