Inerrant Rampancy

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The Start of a New Revolution =

The Start of A New Resolution!

See what I did there with the play on words? See? ‘Cause a new year is technically the beginning of another revolution around the…you know what? Fuck you if you don’t get it. Moving on.


That’s right, folks, you get to make extra promises you won’t keep, just ’cause it’s January! And while it may seem daunting coming up with all those tasks and new philosophies that you’ll just forget about in a few weeks, there’s really not that much to it. In fact, I’d say (and don’t be too shocked when you read this) that making the resolutions might just be easier than keeping them. Ever so slightly.

I mean, how hard is it to make something up? It’s a completely meaningless statement no matter what it is (92% of resolutions are unkept, says a study I found on Google and failed to cite), so just pick something and go with it. There’s really only one criteria for New Year’s resolutions and it’s that they be repeatable as a string of words to be said to anyone who asks “What’s your resolution this year?”

That’s it. You don’t have to keep it (studies I randomly read the 1st paragraph of say you most likely won’t and so there’s little expectation. See how much of a failure people think you are?), and you only have to remember it as a phrase. In fact, I’m pretty sure people are so not actually paying attention when they ask “What’s your resolution this year” that you could reply in Klingon and they’d still follow up with “Wow. That’s a good one. Good luck with that!” So below I’ve provided a list, just in case you’re an idiot and can’t come up with anything on your own. Consider this my list as well, since I’m hoping that if you read it here you won’t bother me about it in person.

Here’s how it works:

When someone asks you “What’s your resolution this year?” say
This year I’m going to

and then pick a verb
have, eat, look at, swim, jump, run, boat, crash, exercise, smoke, drink, swear, do math, experiment with, laugh, smile, hate, love, jerk off, clap, get, give, want, lance, ride, fly, vacation, work, sleep, purchase, sell, type, write, read, cavort, instill, murder, birth, dress, gamble, take, slip, slide, hug, leave, stay, go, poop, walk, steal, yell, sit.

then pick either

and then either a noun (if applicable – i.e. “run” doesn’t need one necessarily – and singular or plural and modified with any adjectives you’d like)
fish, drugs, men, women, hermaphrodites, beer, cigarettes, camels, beef, vegetables, murals, museums, chairs, houses, birds, hats, cats, bats, rats, meat, dogs, animals, hair, shirts, pants, shoes, deer, cars, buses, trains, planes, plains, plays, humans, aunts, boyfriends, children, plants, computers, novels, books, poems, poop, blisters, sex, anal sex, awesome sex, awesome anal sex, pictures, rivers, road races, rope, boats, motorcycles, water, experiments, people (different from “humans”), dick, hands, presents, carpets, bobble-head dolls, insurance, letters, fear, babies.

or an adverb (if applicable – i.e. if you’re not using a noun and want to further modify your verb beyond the words “more” or “less/fewer”)
frequently, conservatively, liberally, sarcastically, seriously, foolishly, sentimentally, generously, magnanimously, carefully, recklessly, respectfully, disrespectfully, sincerely, emotionally, rationally, regularly, irregularly, indignantly, generally, specifically.

And then smile and ask them what their resolutions are.

Here are a few examples:

This year I’m going to crash more planes.
This year I’m going to swear less.
This year I”m going to jerk off fewer hermaphrodites.
This year I’m going to poop less recklessly.

The combinations are nearly endless, so enjoy and HAPPY NEW YEAR!


December 31, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. This year I’m going to:

    dress more children
    steal less babies

    which means I’ll probably get to

    gamble with less insurance.

    Hopefully, not saying I will though.

    Comment by Dirk Diggler | January 16, 2009 | Reply

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