Inerrant Rampancy

Just another weblog


I have a serious problem with old people.

I joke about this at work a lot, but deep down I’m not fucking kidding: I hate old people. And let’s not get all defensive here or anything and start ranting about how awesome our grandmas are, ok? Old people fucking suck. Now, to get my point across I should start by defining “old”. “Old”, to me, means useless. Are you unemployed? You are old. Are you pregnant and can’t lift heavy things? Old. Are you really young and unable to feed yourself? Old. Are you really old? OLD!

Ok, now that we’ve defined things, let’s get on to the part where old people are a drain on the world.

First, who do you think is sucking up all of the health-care in this country? Old people. They need pills, they need food, they need diapers, dialysis, dentures, dogs that see for them….that’s just the D’s! Seriously, we spend more on prolonging the lives of the elderly than any other country in the world. How fucked up is that!? We piss and moan about how unemployed people are bringing this country down and how mothers are just popping out babies so they can get welfare checks, but do you know who does the least amount of work in this country? OLD PEOPLE. They just drive around all day and look lost.

Here’s what we do folks. We eat them. Or use them for fuel or float them out on a fucking iceberg and let the seals eat them and then use the fucking seals for fuel. I don’t care what we do with them as long as it isn’t “support them and fund them and allow them to sit on our park benches”. I’m sick and tired of old people slowing down my lines, creating traffic jams, smelling funny, talking slowly, eating weird shit, shitting weird shit, and being out of touch with the fucking world. My grandmother is racist. SERIOUSLY!? Who the fuck is racist anymore? Get with it grandma, the black and mexicans and jews and chinese are cool as fuck and they can still make it to the bathroom on time. Until you start chewing with your own teeth again, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET A JOB!

You know what I want to do? I want to just start beating them up. I think we could solve a lot of problems by letting people beat up old people. Israel/Palestine? Give em all some baseball bats and let them go to town on the elderly. I guarantee that everyone will be so fucking jazzed by the end of it that they’ll form one giant unified country called “Youthtopia”. Republicans/Democrats? Sick ’em both on the AARP and say hello to a true post-partisan government. Also, say hello to a huge tax refund courtesy of No More Medicare and Medicaid.

In fact, we could save so much money by taking our frustrations out on old people, that all those other people I labeled as old people could be officially upgraded to “Merely Useless People”, thus sparing them their lives. Of course, they’ll still be a drain on the economy, but at least they won’t constantly remind you of the ever-closer creeping footsteps of death.


December 4, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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