Inerrant Rampancy

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Bananas vs. Homosexuality

This post is brought to you by Kirk Cameron…

KIRK CAMERON, when you absolutely, positively, use NO science, ever.

Folks, there is a man out there, and he is possibly not alone, who believes that God is real because of bananas.

No, seriously! Kirk Cameron believes that if you study the banana, you can see the undeniable truth; that God is real and loves you and blah blah blah…

Listen, bananas don’t prove anything. You know this, I know this. But, just to humor Mr. Cameron, let’s assume that they do.

The argument goes like this:

Bananas are perfectly shaped for humans. They hang on trees but not high up enough that we can’t reach them. They have a protective outer shell that is removable. When you remove that shell you provide yourself with a nice handle so your hands don’t get sticky. The shell is green when unripe and gross, and yellow when it’s ready for munching. Underneath that shell is a soft, nutritious fruit that faces toward you so you know which part goes in your mouth. Also, if you look at the ridges on the outside of the “handle” you can see that there are three on top and two on the bottom, which matches the number of ridges on the inside of your fingers if you touch your pointer and thumb together to hold the banana. When you are done, you throw the shell away and it biodegrades.

Pretty awesome, huh? In fact, it’s so awesome, we can apply this kind of logic to something else, namely, homosexuality.

You see, the penis is perfectly shaped for homosexual sex. It points away from the body when erect, allowing for easy insertion into the anus. Also, guy-on-guy 69ing is made simple by a sort of “insert tabs A and B into orifices C and D” mechanic. Think Legos. The penis is curved as well, allowing it to fit easily into the twisty-turny bowels as well as the slightly curved throat, making fellatio a snap. It also works as handle during reach-arounds, allowing the dude in the back to grab ahold of something while he’s…you know…ass-fucking another dude. In fact, the only thing the penis is not suited for during homosexual sex is procreation, but since homosexual sex is quite obviously not about procreating, that’s not a problem – it’s a bonus!

Another nice thing about this kind of logic is that you can even make the bananas a useful sex tool for homosexual sex. It’s kind of awesome.

See, God WANTS you to be gay, that’s why he made it so easy to do. In the same way that bananas are proof that God exists, gay people are proof that God exists AND wants you to take it up the butt. Well, actually, bananas are a bit higher up in trees than modern humans are able to reach on their own. And the ridge argument doesn’t really work since the inside of your fingers doesn’t actually form five perfect ridges. And bananas are essentially clones of one another and are therefore incredibly susceptible to plant-diseases, making them a limited resource. AND ripe bananas have those gross stringy things in them while unripe ones don’t. AND if you throw the shell on the ground someone could slip on it and break their leg or something!

Wow, Kirk Cameron, it looks like maybe God just wants us to be gay.

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December 4, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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